Comparison is a natural part of being human. We all experience moments when we look at someone else's life and wonder how it measures up against our own. Sometimes it's fleeting, but during periods of uncertainty, disappointment or change, those comparisons can become much harder to navigate.
We're constantly exposed to other people's achievements, relationships, homes, holidays and milestones. And while we might know that we're only seeing a small part of someone else's life, it's easy to lose perspective when we're measuring it against our own.
I've found this particularly interesting to navigate in my adult life, having moved from the English countryside to a big city. I grew up with what I'd describe as a fairly humble upbringing. I was a tomboy, with two older brothers, and much of my childhood was spent outside. Horse riding, climbing trees, riding my bike through the fields and generally getting covered in mud. Looking back, I feel incredibly fortunate to have had that childhood. It gave me a connection to nature, a sense of freedom and an appreciation for a much simpler way of life.
Moving away from the countryside and eventually to Australia was exciting. I wanted new experiences, independence and the opportunity to build a life somewhere different. But city living brings a very different pace. Sydney is a beautiful place, but it can also be demanding. There's a constant sense of movement, activity and achievement, and an environment where it's easy to become caught up in what everyone else is doing.
During some of the more difficult periods of my life, particularly when I've found myself navigating things largely on my own, I've struggled not to feel as though I'm falling behind. When the things you once imagined for yourself feel further away, it's easy to look around and feel that everyone else is moving forward while you're somehow losing ground.
Friends are buying their first homes, having children, progressing in their careers and going on wonderful holidays. Meanwhile, you're trying to work out your next step, manage your circumstances and hold on to a sense of who you are.
It's a difficult place to be. And it's precisely when comparison can become most consuming.
When Everyone Else Seems to Be Getting Ahead
We're living in a world where other people's lives are constantly on display. Social media has made it almost impossible not to know where someone is holidaying, what they've bought, how their home looks or what milestone they've reached.
We're exposed to a seemingly endless stream of other people's successes, often without seeing the circumstances behind them. We see the beautiful home, but not necessarily the financial commitments that come with it. We see the holiday, but not the pressures of everyday life. We see the announcement, the celebration and the finished result, rarely the uncertainty or sacrifice that might have preceded it.
And while we know that social media presents a carefully selected version of reality, that doesn't always stop us from comparing it with our own.
I think this becomes particularly difficult when we're going through a period of uncertainty or loss. Someone else's happiness can inadvertently become a reminder of something we're missing. We can be genuinely happy for a friend who has bought a home while simultaneously feeling sad that we're not in the same position.
There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
The difficulty comes when we allow those comparisons to shape the way we see ourselves. When someone else's progress becomes evidence that we're failing, or when we start viewing our own circumstances through the lens of everything we don't have.
It's very easy to become a victim of our own circumstances, particularly when life hasn't unfolded as we expected. But we need to be careful not to let a difficult chapter become the entire story we tell ourselves about our lives.
Are You Sure That's the Life You Want?
Something worth asking ourselves when we find we're comparing our lives to someone else's is whether we actually want what we're looking at.
We can become so focused on the things other people have that we rarely stop to question what those things mean to us.
Perhaps it's the beautiful house we're drawn to, but what we're really longing for is a sense of security and somewhere to call home. Perhaps it's someone's career that we admire, but what we actually want is greater freedom, recognition or financial independence.
We often make assumptions about other people's lives based on what we can see. We associate material things with happiness, success and fulfilment, without knowing what sits behind them or what those people have had to prioritise to get there.
And sometimes, if we're honest, we don't necessarily want their lives at all. We've simply become accustomed to measuring our own against theirs.
This is where I think understanding our personal values becomes so important. What does a fulfilling life actually look like to us? What are we working towards, and why? Are our ambitions genuinely aligned with what matters to us, or have we absorbed someone else's idea of what success should look like?
There's absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming big, wanting financial security, a beautiful home, a fulfilling career or the freedom to travel. But it's worth understanding what those ambitions mean to us, and what we're prepared to prioritise along the way.
Sometimes we're so busy looking at the lives other people are building that we forget to ask ourselves what kind of life we actually want to build.
Coming Back to Yourself
I think comparison can become particularly loud when we've lost a little of our sense of identity.
When life feels uncertain, when relationships change or when the future looks different from what we imagined, we can start looking outside ourselves for reassurance that we're doing okay. Other people's milestones become reference points, and we begin measuring our progress against a timeline that was never ours to follow.
Coming back to ourselves requires a little more intention.
For me, that means creating space to slow down, reflect and reconnect with the things that make me feel grounded. Spending time outside, returning to practices that support my wellbeing, revisiting my personal values and being more conscious of what I'm giving my attention to.
Mirror work has also been a meaningful part of my own self-development. Taking time to look at myself with kindness, rather than criticism, helped me reconnect with myself during a particularly difficult period. It's a simple practice, but it encouraged me to develop a more compassionate internal dialogue and become more comfortable in my own company.
These practices aren't about finding a fixed version of ourselves or having every answer. Our priorities and ambitions change as we move through life. Getting to know ourselves is an ongoing process.
And the more connected we feel to our own values, needs and aspirations, the less inclined we may be to use someone else's circumstances as a measure of our worth.
Finding Your Own Perspective
Gratitude is another practice I return to, particularly when I notice myself becoming caught up in what I don't have.
It's easy for our attention to become consumed by the things we're missing, especially when we're constantly exposed to reminders of what other people appear to have. A simple gratitude practice can help bring some perspective back into our lives.
This doesn't mean pretending everything is wonderful or resigning ourselves to circumstances we'd like to change. There's a difference between accepting where we are and deciding that we can't move forward.
I've written previously about acceptance versus resignation, and I think the distinction is particularly relevant here. Acceptance allows us to acknowledge our present circumstances without allowing them to define our future. We can recognise that something is difficult, that we'd like our lives to look different, and still find ways to appreciate where we are today.
We can continue working towards our ambitions while remaining grounded in our current reality. We can celebrate other people's successes without treating them as evidence of our own shortcomings. And we can remind ourselves of how far we've come, particularly when we're struggling to see how far we still have to go.
Comparison is often a reminder that our attention has drifted away from our own lives and towards someone else's. When that happens, we can pause and ask ourselves what we're really longing for, whether our ambitions still feel true to us, and what we can appreciate about the life we're living now.
There's nothing wrong with wanting more from life. But we shouldn't become so preoccupied with the lives we're watching that we forget to participate in our own.
You don't need to have everything figured out, own a particular home or reach a certain milestone to feel grounded in who you are. Your life is still yours, even when it doesn't look the way you imagined.
And perhaps finding your way back to yourself begins with remembering that.
Sophie Benbow writes on mindfulness, mindful eating and intentional living. She is an internationally qualified meditation and mindfulness teacher and a certified mindful eating coach. She is also the creator, writer, director and producer of the podcast The Seeds You Water.